I am clearing the space between my cells. My twin in Dreamland is lifting out the
debris.
Jha da. A story about
Love & Power
By e. tobin eckian
I was going to put it on the back of my car license plate,
the words Jha Da. Instead I choose fear to put on. The words had been coming to me. I didn’t
trust it. The words ‘Jha Da’ had been etched on the inside of my mind, my
head and my heart that entire, night, week, lifetime.
Loved one. Da, to be loved,
jha – I belong.
Jha da – I belong in
love, Forever no matter what.
I thought I was beautiful but the people didn’t talk to me.
And one man placed his hands on my shoulders and when he looked in my face said
there was something odd about the contour and layout of it and he seemed afraid
and moved away.
I felt like an outcast.
And that feeling translated to an internal state where I left myself
uninhabited and out of power.
I tried to leave the community, this place where people
pretended to be what they were not, and they did not really care about
anyone. They all seemed to be striking a
pose and were content with their lives looking right. However they seemed to have no reserve of
energy, a pool to take from in order to really connect with anyone or any real anything.
I could be wrong though. I mean
about the people. I can tend to jump to
conclusions that look too much like condemnation. I hate that about myself.
I went through my clothes, getting rid of most of them, looking
for something to make me look better.
I was leaving this place.
This place of unacceptance, of ambilivalence, non caring, no engagement,
nor exchange between one living thing and another. Everything seemed sully and dull, a grey lack
luster, a stagnant air settled everything into a frozen state of inertia.
I left with a man in a car and who held my hand. I looked over at him without turning my head,
who was this guy? How did I get
here? Where the heck are we going to?
Then the whole scene erased.
With the asking of these questions I had called myself back. A kind of rewind or reset must have occurred
for now I was somewhere else. I was called back to myself.
I was called back to the playground. And I went.
I followed a hopping game my little friend dressed in blue
air was showing me. I hopped over 140 times. This felt much better, this playground
playing type of activity. I had the thought that we were tapping our energy
into the ground, that we had done this before somewhere. Something was breaking free. I felt freer.
I felt happier in my chest. I had
a play mate, a friend. Someone I could
share things with.
I showed her how I could swing high on the swing. She nodded Uh Huh and seemed distracted all
of a sudden as if something else was about to happen- Something entirely different.
Then I was called to the gathering again. There were those people again, only this time
they had been planning and meeting and waiting for some great song to be done. This is where all their energy had been tied
too. Maybe I really had been
mistaken. It was not about me at all and
being ignored, the people had been somewhat set inside themselves intent on a new
sound within a song that was coming.
They had been quietly listening for it.
They were focused on a man from California. Oh I thought, whoopee do da, laa la la. Really? This planning and scheming and waiting around for a
big song to emerge was all centered around some person that was supposed to be
so great and now everyone was gathered waiting for Him to come down from the song
making quarters into the field to sing?
I can be so quick to judgment.
Something unexpected happened then.
They came for ME. The
little girl now somewhat larger and still in a type of blue air dress was
talking to me and saying HE was asking and waiting for ME.
That he had felt me before he came, that I was orange and he
had been in California.
But I have no makeup on!?
I attempted to put some pale spring green eye liner shadow
on, but the messenger man and the girl I had played with (who did have nice
green eye shadow on) beckoned me to come right away.
So I went. (Because
this how it happens in dreams sometimes).
I felt naked, had nothing but granny underwear on. No thing else. I walked past a table of the people. They stared at me saying no thing. I went up stairs. There was someone in the bed. Invisible yet the sheets moved over a
shape. There was a hand. To hold.
I felt warmth, support and acceptance. I leaned over the
foot of the bed. There was music, a paper script hanging in the air. I took a pencil and began filling in more
notes. I recognized this as my
manuscript, one in which I thought was done. Yet now, with buoyant love and
belonging I had ease and space inside myself to fill in more notes.
I said I needed my clothes from the dryer. He said, go tell your woman helper (the one
way back a couple days ago that ignored me and I told her she what I thought of
her and she said I was really honest).
I crept down the stairs and the doorway was only 5 inches
wide so I put my hand out and tapped the wall and she came.
I told her I wished for my clean clothes.
I man came later to the other set of stairs and left the
basket respectfully and quietly. I had
asked for the granny pants I had left on the dryer door and did not wear past
the group of people.
I took out a red shawl and draped it over my left shoulder
and made my way back happily to the bed.
My dog was trying to wake me up out of my other bed back on earth. I told her to go lie down I had to see what
was going to happen. I went to the other
side to see the man with the hand. I
thought we might embrace. He slowly
slipped out of sight. The energy remained.
I wondered what to do. What had
this all been building up to? Whats the
jif? I got up and walked across the room
to a shower, an extremely high
shower. And as the droplets fell onto me
I realized this was the steady stream of plasma like lava warmth ongoing
falling into me never-ending. It was
connecting to my inner Ja Da.
I always was the Ja Da.
I had just lost the feeling connecting state of it.
The man disappeared inside of me. The helpers, the ambivalent, everyone and
everything, inside of me dissolved in ever sustaining and lasting feeling of
Love.
