I am clearing the space between my cells. My twin in Dreamland is lifting out the debris.
By e. tobin eckian
I was going to put it on the back of my car license plate, the words Jha Da. Instead I choose fear to put on. The words had been coming to me. I didn’t trust it. The words ‘Jha Da’ had been etched on the inside of my mind, my head and my heart that entire, night, week, lifetime.
Loved one. Da, to be loved,
jha – I belong.
Jha da – I belong in love, Forever no matter what.
I thought I was beautiful but the people didn’t talk to me. And one man placed his hands on my shoulders and when he looked in my face said there was something odd about the contour and layout of it and he seemed afraid and moved away.
I felt like an outcast. And that feeling translated to an internal state where I left myself uninhabited and out of power.
I tried to leave the community, this place where people pretended to be what they were not, and they did not really care about anyone. They all seemed to be striking a pose and were content with their lives looking right. However they seemed to have no reserve of energy, a pool to take from in order to really connect with anyone or any real anything. I could be wrong though. I mean about the people. I can tend to jump to conclusions that look too much like condemnation. I hate that about myself.
I went through my clothes, getting rid of most of them, looking for something to make me look better.
I was leaving this place. This place of unacceptance, of ambilivalence, non caring, no engagement, nor exchange between one living thing and another. Everything seemed sully and dull, a grey lack luster, a stagnant air settled everything into a frozen state of inertia.
I left with a man in a car and who held my hand. I looked over at him without turning my head, who was this guy? How did I get here? Where the heck are we going to?
Then the whole scene erased. With the asking of these questions I had called myself back. A kind of rewind or reset must have occurred for now I was somewhere else. I was called back to myself.
I was called back to the playground. And I went.
I followed a hopping game my little friend dressed in blue air was showing me. I hopped over 140 times. This felt much better, this playground playing type of activity. I had the thought that we were tapping our energy into the ground, that we had done this before somewhere. Something was breaking free. I felt freer. I felt happier in my chest. I had a play mate, a friend. Someone I could share things with.
I showed her how I could swing high on the swing. She nodded Uh Huh and seemed distracted all of a sudden as if something else was about to happen- Something entirely different.
Then I was called to the gathering again. There were those people again, only this time they had been planning and meeting and waiting for some great song to be done. This is where all their energy had been tied too. Maybe I really had been mistaken. It was not about me at all and being ignored, the people had been somewhat set inside themselves intent on a new sound within a song that was coming. They had been quietly listening for it.
They were focused on a man from California. Oh I thought, whoopee do da, laa la la. Really? This planning and scheming and waiting around for a big song to emerge was all centered around some person that was supposed to be so great and now everyone was gathered waiting for Him to come down from the song making quarters into the field to sing?
I can be so quick to judgment.
Something unexpected happened then.
They came for ME. The little girl now somewhat larger and still in a type of blue air dress was talking to me and saying HE was asking and waiting for ME.
That he had felt me before he came, that I was orange and he had been in California.
But I have no makeup on!?
I attempted to put some pale spring green eye liner shadow on, but the messenger man and the girl I had played with (who did have nice green eye shadow on) beckoned me to come right away.
So I went. (Because this how it happens in dreams sometimes).
I felt naked, had nothing but granny underwear on. No thing else. I walked past a table of the people. They stared at me saying no thing. I went up stairs. There was someone in the bed. Invisible yet the sheets moved over a shape. There was a hand. To hold.
I felt warmth, support and acceptance. I leaned over the foot of the bed. There was music, a paper script hanging in the air. I took a pencil and began filling in more notes. I recognized this as my manuscript, one in which I thought was done. Yet now, with buoyant love and belonging I had ease and space inside myself to fill in more notes.
I said I needed my clothes from the dryer. He said, go tell your woman helper (the one way back a couple days ago that ignored me and I told her she what I thought of her and she said I was really honest).
I crept down the stairs and the doorway was only 5 inches wide so I put my hand out and tapped the wall and she came.
I told her I wished for my clean clothes.
I man came later to the other set of stairs and left the basket respectfully and quietly. I had asked for the granny pants I had left on the dryer door and did not wear past the group of people.
I took out a red shawl and draped it over my left shoulder and made my way back happily to the bed. My dog was trying to wake me up out of my other bed back on earth. I told her to go lie down I had to see what was going to happen. I went to the other side to see the man with the hand. I thought we might embrace. He slowly slipped out of sight. The energy remained. I wondered what to do. What had this all been building up to? Whats the jif? I got up and walked across the room to a shower, an extremely high shower. And as the droplets fell onto me I realized this was the steady stream of plasma like lava warmth ongoing falling into me never-ending. It was connecting to my inner Ja Da.
I always was the Ja Da. I had just lost the feeling connecting state of it.
The man disappeared inside of me. The helpers, the ambivalent, everyone and everything, inside of me dissolved in ever sustaining and lasting feeling of Love.